Preliminary sketches for the White House refurbishment

Daily Shout for The New Yorker

The East Wing of the White House is being demolished to make way for the greatest ballroom in the history of the world. For practical reasons, this portion of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue will be given a new name.

The ballroom ceiling will feature a Sistine Chapel-inspired fresco, depicting traditional American heroes.

Visitors will enter the ballroom through a gold-plated Arc de Triomphe on the building’s south side. The “T” stands for Truth.

The gardens and grounds surrounding the building will be ripped up and transformed into a Presidential golf course, though the thriving Hedge Maze of Bureaucracy will be spared . . .

As will Melania’s beloved Garden of Thorns.

Renovations will extend to the press briefing room, in which F.D.R.’s swimming pool will be restored to liven up interactions with journalists.

The China Room will be renamed the Gratitude Room, and repurposed to store tasteful gifts from the nation’s corporate donors.

The executive wing will be undergoing minor adjustments in response to unanimous staff feedback.

The restoration plans also include a new carpet design . . .

And an experimental HVAC system.

As for the Presidential Emergency Operations Center, we’re replacing its ugly concrete walls with a more classical, transparent design—enough with brutalism!

In the unlikely event of a total structural collapse of the White House, the U.S. government will relocate its headquarters to Mar-a-Lago until further notice.

A4 format, ink on paper, digital coloring